So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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