the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize