why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My ATM looks so different sober.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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