Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
