You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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