We won't sleep together?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
