Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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