I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
