i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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