So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
