the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So many bounce houses so little time
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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