He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
