I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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