Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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