god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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