4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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