everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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