I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
