My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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