Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
