dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
