do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize