No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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