so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
