What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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