I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
