wanna go halves on a baby?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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