I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
