just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
