Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
