I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
