The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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