I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We were destined to go to rehab together
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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