I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
