You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
