On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
