So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize