dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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