Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize