Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize