I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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