I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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