i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
