He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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