Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
