so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
