I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
