I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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