Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You made out with two different species that night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I am mentally ready for anal.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
