i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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