if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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