I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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