so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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