You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
