I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
how do you play pong handcuffed?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
