apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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