McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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