We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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