He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
