did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
