I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
