I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
