Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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