He kissed a someone with a penis
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
