Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
