Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
