I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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