I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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